slightly-off's Diaryland
Diary
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There is a lightness to my bones
The last month:
- I am slowly finding more meaning in things and working oh so hard to drop that old stuff I've been carrying round; to just KNOW and FEEL that I am right and steady and full of love.
It's a slow learning curve, but I'm often playfully reminded of the loveliness of small things and I believe that I will eventually break those old habits. I haven't been a shining beacon to the world like I thought I could have been when I left the retreat, but I'm not perfect. And my muddledness is amusing.
- I found an old tape of meditation music I used to listen to as a child and listening to it with the lights out and the sheets falling gently on my limbs, I felt fully what it was like to be 4 years old again. It was on one of the few nights Tom wasn't in bed with me and I curled up in that sensation of four year oldness like a puppy.
- GAME ON, the video games exhibition, is in Brisbane. I am volunteering at it! It's fantastic. The cool air-conditioning, the lights, the nostalgia, the swarms of nerds and scarily computer savvy children, the clueless grandmothers I have more in common with...oh it's a delight. So is Barry, the touring technician. He can repair all arcade machines and consoles in an instant, and is completely unable to look anyone in the eye. For this reason he tends to stare at breasts and hide from people on off days. I have taken a shining to him because of this.
- The storms roll in and crash around. My favourite two of the season were the most destructive ones it turns out. The first was spent on Tom's back verandah, drinking beers with his housemates and staring at the bottle green clouds in amazement, saying very little other that 'Ooh' 'Aah' and 'here it comes'. That storm was probably in the process of smashing apart an entire suburb. My second favourite was a week or so later, when Sarah and I were home by ourselves and it hit us suddenly. We battened down the hatches like true sailors - though with a little more screaming and high pitched laughter. The cat made noises I'd never heard it make before and the lights went out for ten seconds. We reminisced about the storms of our childhood, and tried to mop lucy's bedroom floor with old rags. That storm produced a mini-tornado type thing which wiped out a street in Paddington.
- The morning on the beach, with the sunrise hidden behind clouds and our own ashes scattered in the sea, I watched the light come out and the seagulls eat their breakfast. He got up the courage to talk to me after a week of silence. He told me he was writing an historical fantasy about a Russian medicine man. It was nice just talking on the morning when I was at my most calm. He wanted me to call him if in Sydney, but I left his number in a car. I'm glad because I can leave him there in my memory. Along with the girl doing cartwheels on the sand, and the older women pulling their cardigans tight around themselves, watching their ashes float about in the sea foam. That was a beautiful and sacred morning and just thinking about it fills me with such gratitude. I should honour that feeling more in the everyday things...
- Tom's hair is huge and his beard all wiry. He is writing his long long poem next to me. I feel all full up with love and longing here in this little room with the remote control pedestal fan and the cicadas going crazy in the grapevines. I need to work on my patience with he and myself. And with so many other things, come to think of it.
- I am looking forward to Christmas. My dodgy gingerbread, fake holly berries twined round everything, a slow and simple day with Dada and Mum's family. I bought Dad a bright blue chemist's bottle from the antique shop. He and I will drink beer, I envisage, and count down eagerly til the end of the christmas season. Then it's Woodford with Tom! I am genuinely excited and curious. And mildly apprehensive about how tired and dirty I'll be by the end of it...
- Also, I scored a volunteer job at the Queensland Museum finally! I am waiting for them to send me the pack of information. I will be a science genius in an orange t-shirt and I am so excited about learning and teaching and just saying I work in a museum. Nerd. Big. Fat. Nerd.
So that's my month! Excluding many things. But a month. And I feel good about it.
10:41 p.m. - December 15, 2008
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